Gutted

Thursday 29th July (Day 15)

I kept my black lace panties on in bed last night and for the first time in weeks, with my head full of the most incerdible visions and thoughts, became hard.

Not fully aroused (only Mistress Carina can do that to me) but enough nonetheless to get some temporary relief at least from all the stress and frustration that's been building of late. I kept myself that way without touching for as long as I could and before drifting off to sleep with pre cum still seeping through my knickers.

Mistress Carina made no comment on my new blog, only that I must've been "gutted" to have lost the old one.

Friday 30th (16)

I've been thinking long and hard (no pun intended) for the past week or so about what I might be able to do in the future to cope better during periods such as this when Mistress simply doesn't have time for or any interest in me. I accept that they're inevitable, we're individuals after all and there are going to be times when our needs, wants and desires simply won't be in sync.

Where we differ most, from a D/s point of view, is that I reached a point long ago where I need

to be able to be openly submissive 24/7 in order to survive, to explore my feminine side whenever I can to escape the stresses of everyday life and feed my insatiable appetite for nylon for much the same reason whereas Mistress is able to put the lifestyle to one side every once in a while.

While I'm not entirely sure what I can do, or rather what my Mistress might permit me to do, the one thing I am certain about is that I have to find it within myself to be more open and honest with her about my feelings and emotions, if I can do that much at least then I just might survive. It's my self confidence that's the problem, that and my self esteem and I need to work hard at improving them both.

Saturday 1st August (17)

Quite out of the blue Mistress Carina sent me a link to this and another video via MSN yesterday evening..... Sissy Denied ...... and has also changed her profile picture, which I can only hope is a sign that her enthusiasm for the lifestyle is in the process of reigniting.

Sunday 2nd (18)

While I was tidying up Mistress' old laptop I stumbled upon a copy of my infamous list and the comments she made on each item I included. I never thought I'd ever see it again after my old blog was deleted so it was akin to finding buried treasure, I'll repost it here the first chance I get.


Monday 3rd (19)

We're going on holiday!

After much deliberating Mistress Carina has decided on an eight day stay in Belgium and France for us both this year.

The ferry's booked and in less than three weeks we'll be loading up the car and setting off across the Channel.

Needless to say I'll be doing everything I can between now and when we return to make sure that Mistress has the best time possible and enjoys every single second.

Do you lend him out?

Wednesday 28th July (Day 14)

I've no idea why or where it went, what I do know for sure is that my old blog is no more and that hundreds of entries over more than two years have been wiped.

That's what I woke up to this morning, it's now late afternoon and I'm over it, change as they say is opportunity so with that in mind here we are, a brand new site that I can only hope will forever escape the clutches of the free speech police!
So where was I?

If my memory serves me correctly my last post made reference to Mistress Carina's friends visit at the weekend, my thoughts as to how I should conduct myself and hopes that it might reinvigorate her interest in the lifestyle.

R visited as planned on Saturday and I took every opportunity that I could to demonstrate just how well I've been trained, which looking back was also a vain and somewhat desperate attempt to renew Mistress's interest in me as her wife.

What I can say is that both women seemed impressed by my efforts to serve them as best I could, R made numerous comments as to how well trained I was (if only she knew) and later asked Mistress if she ever lent me out, at which point I made a dignified retreat to my kitchen so as to not be embarrassed by her reply.

Mistress did make mention of R's question the following day, not saying what if any her reply had been and remarking only that if she had said yes I'd have been pleased, which I most certainly would've been.

As usual I made light of it, my confidence and self esteem being so low at the moment I couldn't summon up the enthusiasm and brushing the subject aside seemed a lot easier than diving in head first and telling Mistress just how excited I was at the mere thought of her ever loaning me out one day.

Sunday came and went, while I was hoping that Mistress Carina would instruct me to drive R to the station she did so herself.

Monday was a strange kind of day, neither of us had a great deal of energy left after a busy weekend and it just seemed to drag.

I woke up on Tuesday feeling unusually motivated and determined to do something positive, anything that I could look back on at the end of the day and be satisfied with. So, I took a leaf out of Mistress' book and embarked on a little retail therapy, which as it was didn't quite turn out as I'd expected.

There were three things I'd decided to buy.... the waist training corset, shoes and chocolate coloured wig that Mistress had found for me not so long ago.

Corset...... out of stock, shoes..... out of stock, wig........ in stock but with the other two items unavailable I felt utterly deflated and decided to put off buying anything at all until the morning, by when I would've found an alternative corset and an even better pair of shoes.

A corset I did find and it's absolutely gorgeous!

In black silk with steel bones it's a waist training cincher that has steel closure fittings at the front, steel eyelets and strong black lace at the back, detachable suspenders and is only 12 inches high.

Shoes I had no luck with at all, not even on ebay where I looked at every single one of the thousand or so pairs listed in my size. 'Practical yet feminine' is how Mistress Carina described the pair from Evans that she found for me and I would've thought I'd have been spoilt for choice, not so, I can't find anything suitable anywhere?!

I had intended to order both the corset and wig first thing this morning, both were in stock and with next day delivery could've been here for the weekend, but decided against it as I'd really like Mistress' to approve the corset before I commit to it and at the moment I just don't have the confidence to ask her.

One thing I did have the self confidence to do today though was buy myself a pair of glossy skin coloured tights, it may only have been an impulse buy but it did give my spirits a much needed lift.

Fuelled by an ever increasing want to let myself go for once and slide my wonderfully smooth shaven legs inside a pair of tights before covering them with black nylon stockings and feeling Mistress' ring squeezing me even tighter than ever I just couldn't resist!

It's almost 3am and while I don't want to stop writing it'll very soon be morning, I've already decided what thoughts will occupy my mind when I climb into bed shortly x